Why do narcissistic women proceed with conceiving a child while the relationship is obviously crumbling?

A highly opinionated piece.

A narcissitic person views a child as a way to seek validation from the rest of the sociery and a right to brag that they are more than capble of raising a family. They do not view forming a family as a major responsibility coupled with the fears of uncertainty. They view it as a way to prove to the rest of the world how capable they are. It is not really a matter of confidence, but they intentionally (but unconsciously) ignore red flags in a hope they are a step closer to achieving what they strongly desire. One may argue that they have no self-respect but they are ready to trade their entire lives to live large as it is their way of earning respect from the world.

This desire is particularly strong for those obsess over grandiosities, but have not materialised anything sufficient to match their grandiosities. Prior to the relationship that results in child bearing, they would have felt like life always robbed them of opportunities to prove how exceptional they were. For a narcissist this desire for validation is so strong it just appears non-sensical to outsiders. Why fall pregnant when your marriage is crumbling and you barely have income to support your ownself? A choice driven by a strong ego is a reaction to a disregulated emotion, not a decision based on critical thinking.

Afterall, raising a kid is completely in a private domain and there are no external measures to rate their performance as parents. Parenting is no career choice so they will never be scrutinised unless there are extreme situations where a law enforcement will need to intervene. Mothers can be completely emotionally withdrawn or physically and emotionally abusive towards their kids but these abusive behaviours will pass completely unnoticed as the kids are dressed, washed and fed reasonably well.

Their desire to make their grandiose fantasies come true is so strong they will never take a look at things that will break off the illusion. They will delude themselves that they will manage to raise a kid through all those hardships and tick off an item in the bucket list of a ‘complete human being’. It gives them an ego boost to look down on people without kids as they are ‘ahead of them’ and are true adults. You have to mature before bringing a child into the world, not hope a child bearing experience will drop them a maturity at the front door.

Also kids are used as a tool to mend a failing relationship. Pregnancy is used as a tool to pressure the partner to tie the knot. They have a weird perception that if there are even greater responsibilities thrown at the partner’s face, he will suddenly become more grown up and remain bounded to the relationship. A change in one’s personality doesn’t happen like that. While they are not willing to engage in thoughts about dreadful responsibilities (on parental duties) themselves, they are seeking to shift all of the responsibilities to their partner. Also for foreign female casts on the 90 Day Fiance, a kid is a great evidence to present to the Immigration Authority that their relationship is legitimate to earn them a Green Card.

Decades later these dysfunctional women can also ask things from their kids in ‘return’ by becoming parasitic on them. Not a lot of these women end up being better off and most end up without any retirement fund. Their uncontrollable impulse for attention and grandiosities will only take them deeper into the cesspool of financial trouble. So they see their growing kids as a form of insurance later on. A greater number of kids you bear, a greater chance you can terrorise more than one kid to meet your relentless demands. They eventually get their hands on their kid’s money to purchase their first home etc.

Overall, raising a kid under these circumstances is not a bad transaction for these people. In a kid’s perspective it is pure hell. But not for these women. They get to have a weird twisted ego boost, can have an upperhand in a relationship, can shift all blames and responsibilities to the other and also can even continue their parasitic lifestyle.